Adoration

I’m done – officially unemployed! I spent my last working day half way between ridiculously happy and bawling my eyes out. I was overwhelmed on Thursday when most of the building turned out to wish me well and listen to my ‘friend’ Alex tell some silly stories about might time in the Environment Agency. I was wonderfully embarrassed, rendered speechless, and deeply touched. 

A difficult part in the process of moving on, is recognising there are great colleagues, and a few very special friends I’m unlikely to spend as much time with again. I recognise seasons end, but I aim to go out of my way to stay in touch with those amazing, hardworking, dedicated friends who have an equally uncertain time ahead of them. The public sector is not a fun place to be at the moment.

I’m utterly unable to pinpoint, let alone start to describe, how I feel about this next stage so this instalment is shorter than anticipated. I’ve been busy since leaving work with a dinner party last night, Sue’s hen do on Friday and I picked up my new car yesterday. I’m very grateful for Ulri (my new Ka....see what we did there?) and thank God that I had the finances available to remain mobile.

This morning, a new friend gave me a sage piece of advice, almost in passing, but it was perfect for me. Have a plan and keep a routine.  And part of the talk at Church this morning was about ensuring we do not wait until things are falling apart to pray about our troubles, but to pray about them first.  Prayer will be first in my new routine and I know it will make a difference!

Helen, who spoke this morning, used an analogy, comparing our lives to a journey in a car. We were to identify where Jesus is in our vehicle. Is he locked in the boot, only coming out on Sundays? Is he in the passenger or back seat, while we drive? Or is he in the driver’s seat? And if he is in the driver’s position, are we being back seat drivers, thinking we know better. I know where I want him to be, and that I definitely need to shut up giving directions.

I still have to fight little panics about money, and about future plans that seem less clear than they did when I had a predictable income. But God is already showing me that I should continue to try to live generously, rather than becoming obsessed with preserving my savings and pursuing an income. I recently gave an amount of money to a friend for a charity event. It wasn’t a lot in the scheme of things, but a few days later when I was back at Mum’s cleaning out the last remnants of my belongings in my old room, I came across a very similar amount of money, albeit in Euros, that I am convinced were not there when I moved out. Whether the notes miraculously appeared, or I had just forgotten them, I have been encouraged by people wiser than me, to take this as a sign that God will provide, and that He does reward generosity.

And even with signs and wonders like these it is tough. Like practising repentance and forgiveness, it is going to be a daily challenge to keep letting God be in control.  

Rob told me he had a picture of God rubbing His hands together with glee that I have offered God my life to do with as He wants. But that we need to be prepared that there may be attacks as we strive for obedience.

So I got on my knees this morning and asked Him to take control. And I sang in the presence of my Church family, He has my heart, now He can take my life.

And I find tonight, rather than be worried about tomorrow, I am excited.

Back to Plan A

I got rejected by another couple of jobs and although it didn’t upset me it was enough of a nudge to make me realise I’m only a few weeks in to my plan and I have already strayed off the path. Pretty good going!

A motivating factor in resigning and something that was clearly from God, was that I need a break.  But I started to panic about money (more on this in a minute), about being bored, directionless, losing my home, and becoming reliant on others. That’s why I was applying for full time roles that would have meant really long hours, over Christmas, on weekends and probably a fair commute (as I might not have a car!) And while I would have scraped in cash, it is the exact hurdle I don’t need. If my goals are to recharge, relax, reprioritise and refocus I need time and space.

So after yet another discussion with Rob, we decided I’m not going to even going to seek work until at least the New Year. I will, as was originally intended, seek, listen, and hopefully catch up with friends, family and the bazillion other things I’ve wanted to do. Plus I can develop my photography, get a fitness regime in place and move a few stalled projects forward.

Some friends have asked what I am going to do for money. I have thought about what I need, as opposed to what I want. And what I want is to stay in my home but I recognise that may not work out.  For lots of reasons, which may get covered in a later instalment, I would prefer not to take up Mum’s incredibly generous offer to house me again. There are a few other options I am exploring should I need to move out and I’ll be ok for living space whatever happens.  My last pay packet from work will keep the bills paid until the New Year.  I’m fortunate as lived at with Mum, rent-free for a long time so I have some money to fall back on.  

I haven’t heard anything yet about going out and giving my savings away! I am hopeful this is because He knows there are sensible things I want to put it towards, like a house or a wedding. However learning to be reliant is difficult with a financial cushion and I guess that is why I have had specific nudges about not being so money-orientated.  

For instance, a week after I handed in my resignation, the company re-launched its voluntary early release scheme. Had I been successful in an application, I’d have walked off with over half a year’s wages. Before my notice was officially accepted, my old boss tried to persuade me to wait for the release scheme, even though we had no idea at the time when it was coming out. But just the thought of hanging on for months (and it turns out my earliest escape would have been April) was enough to make me queasy and wretched. Getting that payout would not have been worth my sanity and my health. So this experience is turning out to be a lesson in being less reliant on material things as well as everything else.

My stress levels are still high. This is firstly because I’m still commuting and working hard, because I have to, because I want to and because I know I am leaving people I really care about in a tougher position.

Secondly, because of ongoing uncertainty and my associated impatience. I worry that waiting to search for work, at a time of recession and rising unemployment is nuts-a-cuckoo and that I might miss the ideal opportunity if I am not scouring the adverts. It seems I am not learning my lessons in trust overnight. 

Thirdly, because of the first two reasons, I’m still tired, picking fights, being tetchy, wanting to be anti-social and sleep/lay in front of the telly and have all the associated guilt (which I know is daft). The results of all this seeps into everything else. Although God is surrounding me with supportive people, and reminding me a big chunk of the stress will end in a week I would rather not be the grumpy person I feel I am. I had a lovely meal with my disciple group on Wednesday. I was so happy and enjoyed the people (and the meal) but before and after I was so tired I cried.

But yes, a week left, then no more 0615 alarms and no more two and a half hour commutes. Promises of, and actual support pours from my boyfriend, family, friends and colleagues.

I believe that God never leaves me, but right now there is so much clutter, even while prayers are being answered daily I can feel far away. It is Bonfire Night tonight, maybe I will burn some of the rubbish.

p.s. yes, please comment if you would like to!

Rejection # 1!

I had my first rejection for a Christmas temporary sales job today.  Now considering they say you should expect to apply for 80 jobs to get 1 these days I shouldn't be upset. But I am. I recieved the email while I was at my desk and had to hide a very teary face.

Ridiculous I know, but I'm not used to being rejected by employers - until today I've never had a job interview or made an application where I wasn't offered the role. Boo-hoo poor Heather May I hear you say ;) but I have found a significant part of myself associates my self worth with this kind of success.

This isn't because I only felt loved as a child when I succeeded at something, absolutely not, but it is an easy and obvious measure of success. I suppose I have always been "the academic one" or "the one with potential" or "the one who can do anything she turns her mind to" - all that might be true. And while I am inifintely grateful for people's confidence in me I hoping to just try to be whatever God wants me to be, not what my (apparent) skills might point towards, or what (well-meaning) colleagues suggest, or what seems to be the current pressing need. I think I need to push lots of doors, and do my best not to be scared of trying something and finding it doesn't work which will be a massive change for me. So I am trying to remember to listen and ask which direction to go in. Easier typed than done and I'm still on the wrong side of terrified.

At church a couple of weeks ago, I prayed with some of the ministry team and one had a picture of me travelling along a wide road, whereby the road narrows and turns a corner, then widens out again. Then  on a separate day someone else had a picture of me being on a motorway, pulling into the services and having a break - then going back to the roundabout but taking a different exit, onto a non-motorway road. Perhaps this is an indication of needing to take a slower, more meandering path for a while.

Of course, I don't know what these pictures mean for me yet, but I will contemplate them and remember them from the other side of experiences.

I do know God is reminding me, gently and thankfully through others, that He has His hand over me and is guiding me in the ways the scripture says He will. I can't rely on just me to figure out the next move and He will always use others to reiterate what we think we may have heard, and need to hear,

And when I take time to reflect on all of this, I'm not teary at this end of today. Lesson for the day - take time to reflect and remember what God has promised He will provide.

a new adventure….

I have decided after much conversation, angst, stress and prayer to leave my job at the Environment Agency. I’ve been working for this government body for seven years and have gone from loving every single day and bouncing out of bed to get to work, to no longer fitting in the role, organisation or being able to cope with the commute.

After lots of consideration, tears and answered prayer I handed in my notice and in 2 weeks I shall officially be unemployed. And I have nowhere to go!. I have applied for a  few Christmas Temp jobs but so far it seems I am over-qualified for them!

I know on the grand scale of things, and in a time where unemployment is rising especially from the Public Sector, this isn’t all that exciting. It has been pointed out though that it is quite cuckoo!

But I know I am following God in taking this course of action now. I am in a lesson of trust and faith beyond which I’ve experienced in this way before.

Most folk who know me, recognise me as an enthusiastic and energetic personality and somewhere along the line a lot of this has been sapped out of me. I want that girl back! I want to learn to rely on God for my strength and the amazing people He has surrounded me with.

I don’t know where I am going but I hope you’ll follow me on this footpath that is there, even if I can't see it yet. I am re-starting this blog on which I am going to chart the course of this next adventure. There have already been highs and lows and I’m going to need all the help I can get.