I came downstairs this morning to find anarchy in the kitchen. I was aware of some disturbances during the night; I was bolt upright and awake for no reason at about 4am which meant of course there actually was a reason. Said reason was revealed  3 hours later when I  found the large metal baking tray which had been residing on the hob, upside down and under the kitchen table.

The plastic threshold from the kitchen doorframe was far from its proper home. Dirt and fluff from underneath said piece of plastic was all across the room. Chair cushions were haphazardly strewn and worst of all there were various piles and pools of excrement and urine on the floor.

Mitch and Twink had some explaining to do.

I was stunned and shocked by the devastation. Although they are rescue cats and aren’t always very good at using their litter trays, that’s usually the worst I am faced with each day. It seems things went to  whole new level.

My first question was why? Why last night – I didn’t do anything to them yesterday out of the ordinary. They were fed on time, let in and out on schedule, given the usual freedoms considered appropriate for them.

Maybe it was pay back for Friday when I fed them early, let them out for only a short while then spent the rest of the day with my fiancé so they were locked in. I did feed them again at the usual time in the evening but perhaps they felt their liberties were curtailed by me going off and enjoying myself with little regard for their happiness.

Maybe they are finally showing their true colours. Mitch and Twink came to us after at least 2 foster homes, after being rejected from not one, but two homes. In their last abode, they were one of 10 animals, who all shared the same litter tray, had to fight for food and attention and no doubt were  starved of love.  They had been given to that home by their original owners who had decided they preferred the other pets they had and didn’t want the two cats anymore.

In fact, Blue Cross rescue centre were very pleased to have us take such two ill-treated cats from them. They also made a point of telling us that no one takes black cats because people consider them bad luck and write them off for nothing more than the colour of their fur. And certainly as 9 year olds they are considered too old to be cute, or changeable, or trainable and get overlooked for that reason too.

Maybe because of that, we’ve been too soft on them. I haven’t rubbed their noses in ‘it’ when they have messed on the floor before. I guess I haven’t set that particular boundary for them so they don’t know not to break it. Or should they just know pooing on the floor is not appreciated? I’m often torn between taking the softly softly approach with them most people would expect when working with cats who have been through what they’ve been through, or being tough when they have shown the smallest hint of naughtiness to make sure they know whats appropriate.

Maybe they enjoyed it – it must get pretty frustrating being locked in a kitchen every night in the dark with nothing to do but read a few cookery books.

Maybe they just realised I was in a deep sleep (I do not snore!) and thought they had the opportunity to have a bit of a laugh.

Or are they just dumb cats – no matter what I do, they are what they are, only arguably sentient, driven by instinct rather than logic.

So without a known motive, choosing my action was even harder. What was I to do?

My first task in any morning is to feed them and today could be no different. Sure, I could have kicked them out into the garden to find a juicy mouse but I have no evidence that Twink in particular is able to fend for herself.  

It seems we have a lack of wildlife around at the moment, there is a widely reported lack of birds and mice due to recent hard winters. The sustenance that is out there is hard to find, has to feed more mouths.

Plus Twink doesn’t seem to have much common sense. For instance she doesn’t seem to know that it is good to shelter when it rains and often returns to the house soaked. I don’t know why she hasn’t got this fundamental skill – perhaps she wasn’t shown by previous owners, or perhaps she was never let out to learn.  

So I fed them and set about putting the kitchen back together.

Then what? I had to think what to do to let them know this kind of behaviour isn’t acceptable. I have offered them a home, fed them, given them health care, exercise, toys and most of all cuddles, strokes, brushing which they equate with love. They’re right – I’m soppy for them. And this is how they repay me.

Should I withdraw some privileges other than food? I could keep them in all day – but the I’d have them running mad round the house because they were bored and cramped. I’d also be cleaning up more excrement. I’d have to feed them more and no doubt entertain them. It is also cruel to keep outdoor cats inside.

Should I separate them? Mitch often jumps Twink without warning and she, understandably, retaliates. But then they often wind each other up. Taking away the obvious  bad influences in their life – each other -  seems like taking away the only thing they actually know of old, rely on and find comfort in. They still curl up together like they did when we first rescued them.  

Should we kick them out altogether. This might be the start of a longer pattern of behaviour. It might be a sign of a deeply buried problem just surfacing. Do I take the risk? This time it was just a bit of skirting board, next time it could be something more expensive.

It is a tough one. But you know what, I think the only way these cats will realise they can’t act the way they did last night is for me to set them boundaries, but moreover to love them.  Rejecting them in any way will either push the problem on to someone else, or bring them to an even more  undesirable situation – rejected, hungry, homeless.

Mitch and Twink still aren’t allowed in my room though, I’m allergic to cats.

·         I do not mean to make light of what is of course a difficult and serious situation in the UK. I have however been flummoxed by many of the responses I have seen in social media from friends and strangers. I understand the bewilderment, shock, anger and despair and share all those sentiments. The above is a true story and as I reflected on the various strategies for change, retribution and how to mete out justice I drew parallels to highlight by metaphor what I consider to be ill thought out responses.  This is also the part where I should say I don’t have the answers – but I do. Jesus. He shows us by His example to not judge, to serve everyone in the world no matter what their status as defined by society as we are all the same in His eyes no matter what the world has thrown at, or not given us. This may seem naïve, but I believe loving people is the solution – and has been proven to work time and again.

A chance to be different

Our church was broken into last night.  I am not going to go into details for many reasons, not least of which is that there is an active investigation, but I have spent a lot of today thinking about my reaction and what I and possibly other members of my church family could take from this difficult situation.

That anyone would come into a building, an obvious place of worship, technically housing a charity and remove items of personal and material value is difficult to process. We house a food-bank at the church which was also a target of the burglary.

Happily, most of the items that were taken have already been recovered. However, the intrusion into our place of worship and disrespect shown has understandably upset many.  I was shaken, especially by the removal of food from the bank, which I’m helping to run.

As part on an ongoing series, today’s talk was on 'being transformed', specifically by love. It was based on Romans 9 which speaks of love being an action, not something that exists by the mere absence of hate.  It says that love must be sincere and honourable and commands us to give to those in need, be hospitable, not to be proud or reject anyone.

It speaks of leaving revenge to God, who is just and wiser than us.

It demands that we feed our enemy if he is hungry and give him something to drink if he is thirsty.

I take from that, that we should shine a light on his misdemenours but refract it through the lens that we should always look through – the lens being Jesus and how He saw and loved the world. Mirroring His obedience, generosity and love, we would show the enemy there is something greater than him, and us. And although there will always be consequences to our actions, the Great Judge offers forgiveness, freely and completely to absolutely everyone.

Now, I do not even come close to using the word ‘enemy’ when I think of the people/person who took items that did not belong to them.  It is too strong, and it would be ignorant of me to believe I understand the motives of someone I have never met, never spoken to.  I could say I hope that they took the food because they are hungry. But if they  did or didn’t, it shouldn’t matter.  

The things taken are objects which can be replaced. In fact nothing we have is ours, but gifts from God. That said, I’m not suggesting as a responsible charity we shouldn’t be sensible with security but the thought of turning our church into an impenetrable fortress makes me uneasy. As outlined in Romans, hospitality is required of us.  Our mission is to be a transforming presence at the heart of our community, which we would struggle to do if we made ourselves less available, inaccessible and uninviting.

So how should I react? Reflecting on the teaching above, we are are commanded to love people and that act may give them an opportunity to see the real Good News, not some watered down version of our faith that society pedals or that we Christians portray in our lack of understanding, pride or weakness.  


How does this teaching (which was planned without knowledge of the circumstances that met us this morning) mean, when it comes to considering the people who came into our building for nefarious reasons? We will probably never know what brought them to act the way they did but I do not believe the reasons should matter.  This morning, instead of speculating about motive I should have been praying for them and for us.

Because God acts when people pray.  Last night’s event has given our church family a discrete and immediate opportunity to examine ourselves, our reaction to the burglary, our call to love the world in a real way. Many people are already really good at it and I thank God for their example and wisdom.

And as a consequence of praying for and importantly forgiving those who have hurt us, we will also be transformed because as we cannot help but be changed when we love actively, compassionately and unconditionally.

For me, these thoughts concrete something that has been creeping up on me, not for the first time, but something it is easy to forget in the business of life.  It confirms that I should stop waiting for events to compel me into loving people the way Jesus says I should. I am not to not wait for opportunities to act compassionately to fall into my lap. I should be seeking people who need compassion and to be loved. 

It is rarely easy, even less so on days like today, when so many emotions are stirred but I am to be obedient and show the same compassion I am showed. And so I pray that a compassionate response becomes my primary nature. I want my first instinct to be to reach out, forgive and love regardless of why that person is in front of me, or if I have gone to be in front of them, what brought me there. 

I think that by acting in a way opposite to what a lot of people expect of Christians, we might be more of the difference we want to see in the world.

A little rant about age

This week I’ve been called old... “33 is late to get married.”

This week I’ve been called young...”anything under 40 is young when you’re my age.”

This week I’ve been called a child...”you’ll always be my child, regardless of whether you’re an adult or not.”

I don’t have a problem with any of those things, in context.

But this week I’ve was told I can’t possibly understand another person’s feelings purely because of my age.

What I wanted to say was that I have had some experiences in life that have given me wisdom I wish I hadn’t had to learn yet. But why should I have to defend myself for something over which I have no control? 

I am set to be a wife, but I don’t intend on being a mother. I haven't got a five year plan, nor do I know what I want to be when I grow up.

What I am is a friend, a sister, a daughter, a fiancé and a child of God. The number of days I’ve been on this planet doesn’t matter, it isn’t a competition.

I’m just me.

Oh-so-cliché

I’ve been having nightmares for a few weeks now, often more than one a night. The dreams are always me and Rob arguing to the point of screaming at each other until one of us – usually me, runs away. In my dreams we never get the chance to resolve the fight. I’ve woken up in tears on more than one occasion and had to fight the urge to call him to check we are still on speaking terms. Ironically if I did wake him at 3am we’d probably end up in a tiff!

I’ve always had incredibly vivid dreams that often can’t be untangled from memory and affect my mood all day. Although after these current episodes I can wake in a tizz, they don’t hang around. I believe because I know they are stemming from anxieties of which I’m fully aware – wedding organisation for one. Which is most annoying as it makes me such a cliché bride-to-be.

We’re actually on top of most ‘big’ things to do with the wedding. Church, venue, photographer, florist are booked. My dress is ordered and pretty much everyone we want to take an active part in the celebrations has been asked and happily agreed. However, the fact is as I'm not in full time work (though you might not know it to look at my diary) I’ve been doing a lot of the organising on my own and simply catch Rob up with the progress every so often and that’s where some of my anxiety is rooted.

We want our wedding to be about us as individuals and as a couple but as, if not more importantly rooted firmly in our Christian faith.  Although there is no such thing as a truly new idea anymore, we want to make sure our faith and personalities are reflected in the celebrations, especially as the sacrament of marriage is very important to us. We view our day as being an opportunity for worship as well as the legal and fun bits. 

Recently, I have felt I’ve rushed a few details and plumped for easy, convenient choices rather than spending time ensuring meaning in many of the arrangements. This has made me uncomfortable in a few ways as I used to envisage a very personal wedding experience. I dreamed of an eco-friendly wedding with lots of homemade elements and tiny details embelishing the day alongside well thought out spiritual content. I won't say how Rob saw his wedding day but we're different in many ways!  

I have blamed my simplified 'just-get-it-done' process I've fallen into on our budget being (rightly) small but moreover  on our time limited. However, I’ve come to realise that these are just excuses  after all 7 months is plenty of time and it is possible to make the day what we want it to be if we organise it together.

For a couple who on the face of it have very little in common, we do an awful lot of activities and serve together and having me lead on organisation, purely checking in with Rob is alien. So we’ve scheduled a wedding catch up to think again about some of the decisions that have been made to see what we can do about tweaking them to ensure we’re both comfortable with how our day will match our goals.

Jesus started his ministry at a wedding, performing His first miracle at one, turning water in wine*. Our guests may not notice much difference from any other wedding they’ve been to –and that’s fine, I want them comfortable and relaxed and to enjoy the day.  But our hope is maybe they do notice it a little.

Of course, ask me again in late October when I’m studying as well as arranging this and I’ll probably not give two hoots and just want everything to go off with only one Hitch. Old joke, but it works!

*anytime You want to do that one again – fine by us J

Mixed bag

This week has been a mixed bag; I’ve not been very well with a weird fever/light headed/exhausted thing which seems really bad in the mornings. I’ve been snowed under with all sorts of things and busy every evening albeit in very nice ways. I’ve been Swishing at Church, attending the Marriage Course, organising Brownies & Disciple Group and had a grand evening eating home-cooked curry and cheesecake (not at the same time) with friends.

Wedding planning continues and yet more prayers have been answered. On top of the miraculous help I mentioned in my last post, we’ve saved loads on potential decorations having sourced exactly what we wanted to spruce up the venue locally and for free!

We found a lovely budget cottage for a few days away directly after the wedding. No, I’m not saying where but I was dead chuffed at the price we got for a short break so close to Christmas.

I made us a strict calendar of what we need to do and when so that we don’t end up getting in money trouble in any given month. More importantly, I have to be fixed on what we want to buy or we’ll buy things we will end up not using because we change our minds/find better offers and that is the way the cost of a wedding can creep up.  But I also know when to slide off the calendar and take advantage of a bargain! So this week my shoes arrived and a few pieces of jewellery have been bought, all for much less than I had budgeted having shopped online and taking advantage of sales and offers.

I found loads of great tips on Cheap Wedding Success and found comrades in arms who don’t believe you have to spend a fortune, to have a lovely, memorable day.

Also, something good may be happening on the income front. I am going to see a company next week who specialise in family portraits to see if they’d like me to do some paid, ad hoc, part time work manning their stalls at supermarkets/shopping centres/events. If it goes well could be a nice, flexible way to bring in some pennies while allowing me to continue being available for the church and foodbank.

So if you see me smiling and trying to hand you a leaflet in the near future, be sweet and take one!

God is Good

No fancy title and pictures and no ridiculously long blog this time.  Just to say I had a wig out about the wedding/life this week. It coincided nicely with the countdown clock on our new wedding website letting me know its 188 days until the wedding. *eek*

My freak out was about money – I’m still not seriously looking for work, we are a bit rubbish at budgeting and big chunks of money are disappearing into the wedding. It made me wobble. We’re doing the sensible things – starting a proper budget, spreading costs but as explained in previous blogs, this is an area that makes me very uneasy.

So in church this morning I prayed for some help  and I got my response....”I told you I would look after you and I will. Keep serving me first and let me take care of the rest.”

And this evening, totally unprompted and unaware of my concerns, I’ve had a friend offer the equivalent of about £300 worth of stuff for the wedding.

Thank you friend. Thank you Lord.

I lost a fight with the Bishop

That is to say I totally caved so as not to get myself excommunicated for arm wrestling the clergy for my preferred wedding date. I wanted the 26^th November, one day after our two year anniversary and more importantly not in the hectic month of December. But Bish got there first so our wedding will now be on 10/12/11. Truthfully the exact date wasn’t too much of an issue besides my explanation below.  The venue is booked for an evening do, save the date notifications have gone out to almost everyone and even the dress is ordered! Sound like it has been easy? Yes and no.

The venue narrowing process was reasonably easy. We visited a few which were obvious no goers -  I didn’t want the kids in a room three corridors and fourteen sets of doors away from the main room. We didn’t want to pay £175 a head for a three course meal no matter how yummy the food and gorgeous the grounds. We won’t be going in them, it will be winter. We couldn’t reduce the list of folks invited to the sit down meal to less than sixty without losing some dearest and nearest.  We narrowed it down to one venue and then the bun-fight with the church diary began.  We went back to the second choice venue which we knew could give us the earlier date, but we thought would be out of our price range until they came back with a quote that made our jaws drop.

So the debate began – do we go for the more expensive place we loved, on a date possibly more problematic for people with kids in Christmas carol concerts, work seasonal parties etc or go for the cheaper option we sort of liked, on the date everyone could probably do. We then threw into the mix the up until that point unspoken of, yet unsettling and ethically troubling thought of spending a fair whack of money on what is essentially a big party.  Yes, a party celebrating something incredibly special, but this is a time when generosity and sacrificial giving is something very much on our hearts.  

I know it is somewhat uncouth to discuss these things, but that’s what my blog is for – the nitty gritty of our lives, especially any ethical/faith orientated debates.  I’d love to say it was a long, prayerful, considered debate. But it wasn’t...we went for the later date at the higher cost! We loved the place, we loved that we could fit in (almost) everyone we wanted and the times we wanted them. We do have a strict, limited budget, of course we do, and the reception costs will come in under that in the end.  The day for both Rob and I is about faith, love and people and that’s what we are going to concentrate on. I can’t theologically justify the decision to spend more on the party rather than go for the lower quote, so I won’t try. It just felt right.

Next was choosing the dress, which had to be a reasonable quick decision because these things take months to make! The one I have gone for won’t be ready for fitting until late September. Other places quoted November which would have made me too nervous!

I’m not a girly girl, as outlined in previous blogs I don’t wear dresses other than at big occasions and even then I struggle. I don’t know how to “do” my hair, I have basic make up application skills and although I surfed around looking at wedding dresses, I walked into the first dress boutique and underwhelmed the assistant by not having a clue what I was looking for. That said, she was very sweet and helpful and I’d highly recommend The Bridal House in Aston Clinton.  I took Mum and the lovely Stacey who was incredibly helpful in many ways including as buffer material for me and Mum!

Mum, bless her, isn’t very good at constructive criticism, or keeping looks of dislike off her face. She knew I was worried about that – but the intended amusing yet semi-serious suggestion I made of giving her flash cards with scores out of 5 on it went down like a lead balloon. In the end, although she did struggle to articulate how she felt about any particular dress, her mainly non-verbal reactions, were truthful and therefore helpful. Unlike the woman in unnamed shop 2, who told me my waist was the skinniest she’d seen on a girl as tall as me, but that I had a bum like J-Lo. That combination does not sound good and so I took neither as a compliment. This was compounded as I was sharing a box filled dressing room with Miss Hertfordshire trying on her gala frock. Self esteem nose dive.

So all hail Brides of Portsmouth, an unpretentious, does-what-it-says-on-the-tin, bridal shop down the road from my sister. Another lovely assistant helped me pick ‘the’ dress even as she chased her toddler nephew round the store, trying to prevent him dropping his trousers to show us his nappy! I had Mum, my sister, the lovely Adele and my 5 year old niece to help this time. Sophie helpfully gave me the thumbs up or thumbs down to articulate her impression of the dress. The one we picked got a thumbs up so that’s alright then. No details on said dress will be released!

I had expected incredibly emotional moments when I was dress shopping and that when I put ‘the dress' on, I’d have that moment of pure joy. I should have known better – I’m just not that kind of girl! The only time I welled up was on my 14^th dress in the not-very-nice shop when I was just so tired and feeling pear-shaped, with massive man-feet that didn’t fit into any of their shoes, next to Miss World or whatever -  that I thought anything will do, the next one to look sort of nice gets my vote.

My learning point here was don’t do more than one fitting a day, don’t try on too many dresses and listen to your mum – whether she is grimacing or smiling. I was also glad I had another appointment in the diary or I may have panic-bought a dress and regretted it. As it was, I really enjoyed the later appointment – where I had lower expectations of the experience, and therefore they were surpassed rather than missed.

So finalising the photographer this week, organising invitations with our incredibly talented friend Tessa at Cornercube, then I might try and relax for a few weeks and concentrate on real work which is getting off the ground at church and the charity. Which I’m loving. And hopefully keeping up with my Open University short course I’m doing in photography at the moment. A few pics from that below...

Whoop!

Rob and I got engaged! He asked me on a bright, windy day in the Chiltern Hills, the same spot where he told me he loved me the first time.  I said yes, squealed a lot, cried quite a bit, then we went and had ice lollies to celebrate while we showed off my ring to the cows who were roaming free looking for a piece of the action.

You may all barf now.

Everyone still with me? Good.

So of course now my life is mainly going to revolve around organising the wedding, which we have approx. 6 months to do. Date is confirmed, but we’re just fine tuning a few bits before we announce it.  I’m definitely going to blog about the planning process and all the ups and downs it will naturally bring, in no small part because I’ve already found a lot of personal blogs incredibly helpful and reassuring in starting planning my own. 

A few other things to update everyone on. I’m going to be officially working part time for my church, unpaid, to sort out some communications strategies and to assist our Community Support Worker, who also happens to be the vicar’s wife, mum of 3 and a lovely lady. I’m really excited to have a formal role, with a job description, which means I can use my skills and widen my knowledge and understanding of the workings of the church.  I know, through being on PCC and just being involved in a few bits and bobs that the leadership team need the assistance and I can do that!

I’m also helping my good friend Sarah in the organisation of the One Can Trust – a community based charity aiming to help those in crisis in our town. The first branch of the trust is a food-bank. The idea is everyone brings ‘one can’ along to our church every Sunday and this goes in a bank where from the food is distributed to those in need, referred to us usually by health workers, Sure Start, surgeries in the local area. There are so many amazing ‘God Stories’ to tell already about this amazing venture and I’ll dedicate a blog to it in the near future.

So where does paid work fit in all of this? We have a wedding to pay for you know! Well seeking a paid role is still on the table, I’ve even applied for a few positions but apparently I’m too qualified for a retail assistant position. I wanted something that would be regular, discrete, fun and a challenge, but something I can leave at the door and is parcelled nicely so I can really concentrate on the volunteer work. Not much to ask at such times I know!

I am considering that this may all be part of my ongoing ‘rely on God’ rather than 'rely on earthly things’ lesson.  I trust that the opportunities I am having in the church work, in studying, in becoming involved in the charity, in being more available for friends and family, can only be a good thing and so come from Him. The bank statement may tell a superficially different story and I recognise I am still living on the grace and goodwill of my mother and fiancé (whoop).  But he’ll be my hubby soon enough and we want to support each other in doing His will rather than our own.

So, please stick with me during what will probably be a wild ride organising the Stanley/Samuel nuptials and celebrations. And as I rebalance my life, again, to include part time work.

I have ticked two more things off the lent list, though one was arranged a year ago, its significance to my Lent Thing becoming clear recently.  I’ve also decided this is going to not be a Lent thing, and continue to be a “thing” instead – I have a lot of labels that need peeling off and I don’t want to stop because my 40 days are almost up.

Endurance!

At the beginning of April I completed a walk along the course of the historic Hadrian’s Wall with my friend Adele. The course of the wall is 84miles long but we were scuppered by high tides at the beginning and high walls at the end so in total we walked 77miles in 6 days.

The reason this is a ‘thing’ is because I grew up as a proper outdoor girl, loving being outside in our garden, the park, in towns and cities, and further afield in the wilds of anywhere I could get to. I knew from the age of 14 I was going to study geology, find out more about our planet, how to look after it, how it came to be.  My degree required me to spend a lot of time outside, I even spent a month on the Isle of Skye geologically mapping the land. Then I spent 3 years in Dorset teaching kids about the Jurassic Coastline as well as various adventure activities like Quad biking and Archery.  And when I chose to join the Environment Agency, over a few other job offers I had at the time, the emphasis on being out and about meeting people, observing changes in our environment, helping to enhance and protect it, drove that choice.

Then I became a manager. Years of desk sitting, computer work, endless conversations and round robin emails. It had its upsides and successes but it robbed me of energy, time and enthusiasm for being out and about. The tiredness and stress I’ve recounted in previous posts meant when it came to holidays and weekends, where I’d usually been keen to get into fresh air, I became a couch potato, wanting to recuperate, not regain my joie de vivre by breathing fresh air.  In addition, my fitness level plummeted to new lows. I went from being able to amble up the Old Man of Coniston seven days in a row to map its strata,  to mostly walking from the car park to my desk.  

When I signed up to walk Hadrian’s wall with Adele for charity it was a badly thought through commitment, that would lead to last minute panic over my fitness. I did train, doing a number of 6-7 mile walks in the weeks before the climb, but I had been scuppered in doing consecutive walks by various commitments and ill health. The challenge of Hadrian wasn’t walking 14miles in a day, but doing it 6 days in a row. I am not going to describe the walk here – mainly because most of the hilarity, difficulties and comedy moments, you just had to be there for but we did it. I’m still recovering, I think I may have damaged my right knee but I am incredibly proud to have accomplished something that brought back some of the old me.  

Study!

I always intended to do a Masters degree at some point, but wasconvinced it would have to be for a specific purpose – thinking that I would pick the course because it would be enabling a career change or a promotion. Given the ever increasing costs involved in returning to university I was convinced any study would have to be definitively for known outcome to make it financially worthwhile.  

I have just applied for and been invited to join a Graduate Diploma course in Kingdom Theology with Westminster Theological Centre – which means from September I’ll be a student again! I will studying part time, travelling to and from Ealing once a week for evening study sessions.  I attended a taster session at St Paul’s Church and was immediately touched and enthused by the course content and the Spirit filled staff.  I prayed a lot, spoke to Rob, my family, my church leader and everyone was incredibly supportive. It is going to cost quite a lot of money, but I know God is providing already and will continue to do so – I am sure this is a course He wants me on.  

I have no idea where it will lead and that feeling is incredibly liberating. Some would say it is selfish given the costs involved but I want to study mission, theology, leadership, doctrine and see where God leads me. I want to be informed, get my mind working in an academic way again, and see how the theological lessons will inform the life I want to live for Christ.

I would never have been able to do this had I been in my previous job, I just didn’t have the time, energy or brain capacity to spare. God is so faithful and I am trying to be so in return.  If you have been following my journey at all, you’ll know this is an amazing blessing – a fulfilment of the promises God has made to me about fresh beginnings, changes in pace and a taste of what focussing on him will bring.

I am just little old me, and yet He is infinitely interested in the smallest detail of my life. And yours too!

My Lent thing #2

Told you I wouldn’t do 40 of these challenges, however I have today ticked one more off the list.

I have been making an list of labels that I have stuck on myself, or been stuck with. I was expecting most to be behavioural – things I think I can’t do.  I was bowled over by how many were physical – about how I look and feel about that. I honestly didn’t think of myself as affected by social stereotypes and body image matters. I know I’m blessed with my health, metabolism and I know beauty really is only skin deep. I’m the one in my family without allergies, I’m the only one never to wear specs, I don’t have to try at all to keep my weight in the healthy range and can pretty much eat what I like. But this exercise has revealed a lot about vanity and shaky self esteem.

After meeting the lovely Stacey for lunch in town, I finally got my hair cut, which the lovely Rob promised to pay for as a birthday treat. And afterwards, in that warm glow of having got one treat effectively for free(!) I bobbled over to House of Fraser to buy a concealer from Clinique. I really can’t justify £15 on a bit of make up in this economically stretching time but.....

On arriving at  Clinique I found they were doing a free (if you’re buying something) lip/eye treat whereby they give you a mini make up or lipstick makeover and you get a free lippy or masacara. Yay for free stuff.

How does this fit into the Lent thing? Well the label to be removed is that I have a “massive bottom lip” J Apparently it is perfect for tripping over when I am petulantly sticking it out,  perfect for wobbling when I want something and even more so when I am upset.

Rob says I’m silly about it but he is biased! This isn’t the “please everyone tell me I’m pretty” post, but it is a feature I am conscious of and that is why it fits into my Lent thing. I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve worn lipstick in the last 10 years. I’m not a big make up person anyway, but if a reason to posh-up comes along, I’ll over do the eyes to not draw attention to the lips.

And what is weird is, as mentioned above, is that I thought I was fairly above all these silly body image issues. Apparently not. So anyway, picture included of lippied lips...and I’m going to have a think and identify any more of these particular type of labels.

My 'Lent Thing'

One day late (of course), I have decided what to do for Lent. A brief intro first.

If you have been following my blog you may know of my struggles during this current stint of ‘funemployment’, to let myself relax, recuperate and refocus during what has been a rollercoaster ride of letting go, letting go and letting go all over again.

There have been job opportunities and opportunities that seemed golden, made for me but they haven’t worked out or there have been good reasons not to pursue them. Even though doors seem to be opening, I’ve been strongly feeling the need to keep having the break God informed me I was meant to take.

Queue raised eyebrows from a few folk about small things like finances.

For those of you doing that (which more often than not includes me) I’m putting it in writing.

It’ll be ok.

I am taking actions, even if I am not chasing gainful employment. I’ve moved back in with Mum (thanks Mum*1).  I have been having sessions with a great careers counsellor which is shedding light into corners of my abilities I hadn’t poked about in for a while (this is relevant to the ‘Lent thing’). I’ve been reading books and getting some prayer.

And God’s been knocking on my door again the past week or so, reminding me that He is in control and His timing is perfect, not mine but I’m doing ok not rushing. “Keep on doing what you’re doing. You’re in the right place for now. My plans are coming along nicely.” I know that being obedient to this, even if it flies in the face of what a lot of people think I should be doing in an employment/financial climate such as we have at the moment, is the right thing to do. And if it isn’t – as above, it will be ok.

And so back to the ‘Lent thing’. Through a variety of counselling, prayer, chatting with great friends and especially the lovely boyfriend, I’ve been reflecting a lot on ‘who am I’ and ‘what am I meant to be’.  Most of all I’ve been contemplating the question intrinsically linked to those two - ‘what am I meant to be doing’. Self absorbed? Possibly. Immediately and incredibly useful? Definitely.


I have recognised just how much I have labelled myself, or been labelled. And although some labels can be good, I think it is time to try to stick some new ones on,  alongside or replacing the old ones. And so the ‘Lent thing’ is to try something new every day for 40days that helps me get some new labels.  And the label has to be of something I consider myself bad at or incapable of doing whether through previous labelling, rubbish self esteem or lack of courage.  I will tell you now, I’ll fail at getting 40 but if I get even a few I’ll be pleased.


In fact - that is a new label for me – “recognises that the process of getting somewhere is as, if not more valuable, than reaching the target.” Ooh so that can count as yesterday’s new label.

Today’s I’m starting with something a lot simpler and less prosaic. Baking. I did Food GCSE at school and got a C, my lowest grade in those exams and the cause of some shame at the time which now of course seems ridiculous. I have tried a bit of cooking over the past few years, but consistently believed I can’t bake. So today I did. Queue slightly fuzzy photo*2 of Ginger Cake and Honey & Oat Muffins! If you are at music practise tonight, and there is any left (and if they taste alright) you may get some!

So I’ll update this and my blog too. Cheers for listening!


*1 She doesn’t use a computer but it seemed the right thing to do.
*2 dug out the old digital camera as my lovely DSLR is off being fixed

I've been overusing the word 'bobble'

It has been a while since my last thoughtful update, not because things haven’t been happening, just my usual laziness. I have had plenty of thoughts and experiences I should be sharing given my reasons for starting this blog, but I’ve been rubbish about sitting down and doing it!  Could be a worry – unemployment (or funemployment as I’m calling it) seems to be bad for me in some ways! My tendency to procrastinate obviously hasn’t got any better yet, despite my solemn vows to myself to ‘Just Do It’ whatever ‘It’ may be.

On the other hand, this time not continues to have its unarguable benefits. My health is better (apart from a lingering stinking cold but I got off lightly considering the flu that’s been circulating).  I feel generally much better than I did 3 months ago. I’ve quite madly signed up to walk Hadrians Wall with Adele at the end of March. More on that below.

So before Christmas, when I determined it was really necessary to take the break God was pointing me to, I had a semi-deadline in my head of not looking for work until I was back from my ski trip. In the three days after the trip  at the end of January, I’d had an interview for a job, showed people round my flat and registered for an Open University Course in Digital Photography which I’ve been thinking about doing for a while now.  It was a very positive time and I felt assured in the actions I was taking.

I applied for a job at my church and the application and interview process was really helpful and reminded me I haven’t lost my ability to be articulate and considered. I didn’t get offered the role and I think a few people expected me to be incredibly disappointed, but I was glad. Although I would love, love, love to work for my church, the particular role was not for me.

So I haven’t had a thunderbolt of understanding as to my next job path in life and wasn’t ever expecting one.  But I do feel more at peace over the whole job situation than ever before. The plan now is to get moved home then start applying for anything and everything!

A new discovery, fuelled by applying for the church role is that I would really like to work part time which I would never have considered before I left my last job. I believed that I would not be contributing the best of my abilities, fulfilling my potential and all those other somewhat self-aggrandising ideals if I wasn’t working my fingers to the bone somewhere.  I recognise I have the blessing of being able to move home with Mum and therefore can earn less, and Rob and I are sorting out our finances in a way that even if I continued to work part time into the future we’d be ok. But I’d love to work part time so some of the things I’ve been doing in this break can continue. Things outside of work-life got a short shrift – and I’m now enjoying be able to plan Disciple group events, Brownie meetings, meet friends for lunch and be able to put more time into those people. And spend more and better quality time with Rob J And I am so excited about the photography course, even though it doesn’t start until May!

That all said, I know I can’t keep running down my savings, I’m learning to rely on them less, but I’m also not silly!  As explained in previous blogs, I have relied on knowing I have a bit of a nest egg far too much – and it is already significantly dented. I was also musing in my last entry about moving back to Mum’s . Well I handed in my notice on my flat and will be out by the beginning of March, moving to Mum’s before that if possible. 9 people have viewed my flat so far and no one has taken it – are they mad? It is great, quiet, well located, cheap (comparatively) and I want OUT! My landlord agreed I could break tenancy early if someone else moves in – which is great but only if someone takes it on.  

Although I’m not chomping at the bit to move back to Mum’s and  I am getting much better at relaxing about  this whole thing, I am struggling with just waiting to move. I could save a fair bit of money if I get out of the flat now, but then it was my choice not to hand my notice in until I did. Having time to consider what the outcomes of my decisions may be is refreshing,  rather than before when I bobbled from one act to the next without a chance to make the (hopefully) best decision. I hope, once I’m back in work whatever it is, and however much time it takes up, I’ll be able to continue in some of these new behaviours.

So regarding my trip with Adele along Hadrian’s Wall. We have to walk 84 miles in 6 days, camping along the way. We’re starting on the 31^st March. This is a real challenge for me – I’ve not done any serious walking for years, I’ve had a horrid cold on my chest since the new year and as such my fitness levels and training are not going well. Motivation is low....so please help through donating (see what i did there!) My fundraising page is here: www.justgiving.com/Heather-Samuel

In 2002 I lost one of my best friends to sudden adult death and I’m walking in his name to raise money for this great cause.  I’m aiming to raise money for the charity CRY – Cardiac Risk in the Young. Here is the science bit.... 12 young people die EVERY DAY in the UK from Sudden Death Syndrome (SDS)  which is an umbrella term used for the many different causes of cardiac arrest in young people.  CRY provides medical information on the most common causes of unexpected sudden cardiac death sometimes referred to as SADS in the young as well as bereavement counselling for those who lose someone.

So please, if you’re that way inclined, pray for me to get over this cold, get fitter, and get the trek done. And please sponsor me J