Adoration

I’m done – officially unemployed! I spent my last working day half way between ridiculously happy and bawling my eyes out. I was overwhelmed on Thursday when most of the building turned out to wish me well and listen to my ‘friend’ Alex tell some silly stories about might time in the Environment Agency. I was wonderfully embarrassed, rendered speechless, and deeply touched. 

A difficult part in the process of moving on, is recognising there are great colleagues, and a few very special friends I’m unlikely to spend as much time with again. I recognise seasons end, but I aim to go out of my way to stay in touch with those amazing, hardworking, dedicated friends who have an equally uncertain time ahead of them. The public sector is not a fun place to be at the moment.

I’m utterly unable to pinpoint, let alone start to describe, how I feel about this next stage so this instalment is shorter than anticipated. I’ve been busy since leaving work with a dinner party last night, Sue’s hen do on Friday and I picked up my new car yesterday. I’m very grateful for Ulri (my new Ka....see what we did there?) and thank God that I had the finances available to remain mobile.

This morning, a new friend gave me a sage piece of advice, almost in passing, but it was perfect for me. Have a plan and keep a routine.  And part of the talk at Church this morning was about ensuring we do not wait until things are falling apart to pray about our troubles, but to pray about them first.  Prayer will be first in my new routine and I know it will make a difference!

Helen, who spoke this morning, used an analogy, comparing our lives to a journey in a car. We were to identify where Jesus is in our vehicle. Is he locked in the boot, only coming out on Sundays? Is he in the passenger or back seat, while we drive? Or is he in the driver’s seat? And if he is in the driver’s position, are we being back seat drivers, thinking we know better. I know where I want him to be, and that I definitely need to shut up giving directions.

I still have to fight little panics about money, and about future plans that seem less clear than they did when I had a predictable income. But God is already showing me that I should continue to try to live generously, rather than becoming obsessed with preserving my savings and pursuing an income. I recently gave an amount of money to a friend for a charity event. It wasn’t a lot in the scheme of things, but a few days later when I was back at Mum’s cleaning out the last remnants of my belongings in my old room, I came across a very similar amount of money, albeit in Euros, that I am convinced were not there when I moved out. Whether the notes miraculously appeared, or I had just forgotten them, I have been encouraged by people wiser than me, to take this as a sign that God will provide, and that He does reward generosity.

And even with signs and wonders like these it is tough. Like practising repentance and forgiveness, it is going to be a daily challenge to keep letting God be in control.  

Rob told me he had a picture of God rubbing His hands together with glee that I have offered God my life to do with as He wants. But that we need to be prepared that there may be attacks as we strive for obedience.

So I got on my knees this morning and asked Him to take control. And I sang in the presence of my Church family, He has my heart, now He can take my life.

And I find tonight, rather than be worried about tomorrow, I am excited.

Back to Plan A

I got rejected by another couple of jobs and although it didn’t upset me it was enough of a nudge to make me realise I’m only a few weeks in to my plan and I have already strayed off the path. Pretty good going!

A motivating factor in resigning and something that was clearly from God, was that I need a break.  But I started to panic about money (more on this in a minute), about being bored, directionless, losing my home, and becoming reliant on others. That’s why I was applying for full time roles that would have meant really long hours, over Christmas, on weekends and probably a fair commute (as I might not have a car!) And while I would have scraped in cash, it is the exact hurdle I don’t need. If my goals are to recharge, relax, reprioritise and refocus I need time and space.

So after yet another discussion with Rob, we decided I’m not going to even going to seek work until at least the New Year. I will, as was originally intended, seek, listen, and hopefully catch up with friends, family and the bazillion other things I’ve wanted to do. Plus I can develop my photography, get a fitness regime in place and move a few stalled projects forward.

Some friends have asked what I am going to do for money. I have thought about what I need, as opposed to what I want. And what I want is to stay in my home but I recognise that may not work out.  For lots of reasons, which may get covered in a later instalment, I would prefer not to take up Mum’s incredibly generous offer to house me again. There are a few other options I am exploring should I need to move out and I’ll be ok for living space whatever happens.  My last pay packet from work will keep the bills paid until the New Year.  I’m fortunate as lived at with Mum, rent-free for a long time so I have some money to fall back on.  

I haven’t heard anything yet about going out and giving my savings away! I am hopeful this is because He knows there are sensible things I want to put it towards, like a house or a wedding. However learning to be reliant is difficult with a financial cushion and I guess that is why I have had specific nudges about not being so money-orientated.  

For instance, a week after I handed in my resignation, the company re-launched its voluntary early release scheme. Had I been successful in an application, I’d have walked off with over half a year’s wages. Before my notice was officially accepted, my old boss tried to persuade me to wait for the release scheme, even though we had no idea at the time when it was coming out. But just the thought of hanging on for months (and it turns out my earliest escape would have been April) was enough to make me queasy and wretched. Getting that payout would not have been worth my sanity and my health. So this experience is turning out to be a lesson in being less reliant on material things as well as everything else.

My stress levels are still high. This is firstly because I’m still commuting and working hard, because I have to, because I want to and because I know I am leaving people I really care about in a tougher position.

Secondly, because of ongoing uncertainty and my associated impatience. I worry that waiting to search for work, at a time of recession and rising unemployment is nuts-a-cuckoo and that I might miss the ideal opportunity if I am not scouring the adverts. It seems I am not learning my lessons in trust overnight. 

Thirdly, because of the first two reasons, I’m still tired, picking fights, being tetchy, wanting to be anti-social and sleep/lay in front of the telly and have all the associated guilt (which I know is daft). The results of all this seeps into everything else. Although God is surrounding me with supportive people, and reminding me a big chunk of the stress will end in a week I would rather not be the grumpy person I feel I am. I had a lovely meal with my disciple group on Wednesday. I was so happy and enjoyed the people (and the meal) but before and after I was so tired I cried.

But yes, a week left, then no more 0615 alarms and no more two and a half hour commutes. Promises of, and actual support pours from my boyfriend, family, friends and colleagues.

I believe that God never leaves me, but right now there is so much clutter, even while prayers are being answered daily I can feel far away. It is Bonfire Night tonight, maybe I will burn some of the rubbish.

p.s. yes, please comment if you would like to!

Rejection # 1!

I had my first rejection for a Christmas temporary sales job today.  Now considering they say you should expect to apply for 80 jobs to get 1 these days I shouldn't be upset. But I am. I recieved the email while I was at my desk and had to hide a very teary face.

Ridiculous I know, but I'm not used to being rejected by employers - until today I've never had a job interview or made an application where I wasn't offered the role. Boo-hoo poor Heather May I hear you say ;) but I have found a significant part of myself associates my self worth with this kind of success.

This isn't because I only felt loved as a child when I succeeded at something, absolutely not, but it is an easy and obvious measure of success. I suppose I have always been "the academic one" or "the one with potential" or "the one who can do anything she turns her mind to" - all that might be true. And while I am inifintely grateful for people's confidence in me I hoping to just try to be whatever God wants me to be, not what my (apparent) skills might point towards, or what (well-meaning) colleagues suggest, or what seems to be the current pressing need. I think I need to push lots of doors, and do my best not to be scared of trying something and finding it doesn't work which will be a massive change for me. So I am trying to remember to listen and ask which direction to go in. Easier typed than done and I'm still on the wrong side of terrified.

At church a couple of weeks ago, I prayed with some of the ministry team and one had a picture of me travelling along a wide road, whereby the road narrows and turns a corner, then widens out again. Then  on a separate day someone else had a picture of me being on a motorway, pulling into the services and having a break - then going back to the roundabout but taking a different exit, onto a non-motorway road. Perhaps this is an indication of needing to take a slower, more meandering path for a while.

Of course, I don't know what these pictures mean for me yet, but I will contemplate them and remember them from the other side of experiences.

I do know God is reminding me, gently and thankfully through others, that He has His hand over me and is guiding me in the ways the scripture says He will. I can't rely on just me to figure out the next move and He will always use others to reiterate what we think we may have heard, and need to hear,

And when I take time to reflect on all of this, I'm not teary at this end of today. Lesson for the day - take time to reflect and remember what God has promised He will provide.

a new adventure….

I have decided after much conversation, angst, stress and prayer to leave my job at the Environment Agency. I’ve been working for this government body for seven years and have gone from loving every single day and bouncing out of bed to get to work, to no longer fitting in the role, organisation or being able to cope with the commute.

After lots of consideration, tears and answered prayer I handed in my notice and in 2 weeks I shall officially be unemployed. And I have nowhere to go!. I have applied for a  few Christmas Temp jobs but so far it seems I am over-qualified for them!

I know on the grand scale of things, and in a time where unemployment is rising especially from the Public Sector, this isn’t all that exciting. It has been pointed out though that it is quite cuckoo!

But I know I am following God in taking this course of action now. I am in a lesson of trust and faith beyond which I’ve experienced in this way before.

Most folk who know me, recognise me as an enthusiastic and energetic personality and somewhere along the line a lot of this has been sapped out of me. I want that girl back! I want to learn to rely on God for my strength and the amazing people He has surrounded me with.

I don’t know where I am going but I hope you’ll follow me on this footpath that is there, even if I can't see it yet. I am re-starting this blog on which I am going to chart the course of this next adventure. There have already been highs and lows and I’m going to need all the help I can get. 

One of those weeks....

I looked back at my blog from last year and realised I made a post on the anniversary of my dad's death then too. Well that's not til Thursday but it seems my trend of sporadic and often depressing posts continue. My aunt carole died on Saturday after a long battle with cancer, Carole being my dad's sister. I'm glad she is no longer suffering but am very sad. It comes only a few days before dad's anniversary as I say and as there was a striking resemblance bet wen my dad and his sister, these last few months have been very painful, almost reliving my dad's illness, which is something I never thought I would have to experience again. Or my Mum. I'll miss my auntie.

Upside stuff? Well Venture is going ahead. Yippeeeee! We've got 30 kids booked on to Christchuch 2 and we're saddling up for the Wild West theme.....Sugarhill Gang's apache is keeping me awake nights!

I've been helping lead Kosmic at church which is ace...more playing with kids!

I'm off to see Rob Bell on tour next week - inspiring Christian leader and I'm very excited to see him talk live. He is responsible for Nooma - a set of teaching aids which I've found really useful and provocative. My home group are making our own version (unoriginal and cheesey but who cares!)

Will write more soon 'cos I've got busy times on the horizon!



Music Recs:

David Vandervelte's album called the Moonstation House Band (how to confuse people in one easy step!)
Brie Stoner - especially Rain Down
Leona Naess
Soundtrack to Trust the Man
Joshua Radin - We Were Here

Another late update - v.poor!

I am categorically rubbish at updating my blog anywhere near as frequently as necessary to make people interested! So another vow to update more often....we'll see how long this one lasts!

First an explanation for the random picture. That's my *old* desk, with the lovely Nigel peering out from behind waving me good bye as I left my cosy office in Amersham and headed for sunbury on thames. I'm officially a Senior Environment Officer now - or an Enior Environment Officer as my contract sayas - God bless Human Resources department. I've been incredibly spoiled until this point in my life when it comes to commuting. Amersham for the last 3 and half years has been an 18mile round trip, before that in Dorset it was 80 yards from my chalet to my desk and before that at uni, 147 yards from my bed to my lecture theatre seat. I'm now a good hour and a half round the M25 from bed to office...but I am loving my new job, the people are fantastic and I am really excited for the future in this place.

Other stuff I've been up to?

I went to my first Spring Harvest just before Easter and had a brill time. Saw Adrian Plass live - who I have always adored and who was hysterically funny. I got to see Sarah Kelly play live, and got a hug afterwards, from the Grammy Award winning artist. I attended loads of seminars about all sorts of good stuff - and got to do some extreme walking, play some cazy golf, beat little kids at Lazer Quest. Skegness was blinking freezing too, might have to try Minehead next time.

Easter was great, sang in the band at church again, a ministry new to me, but one I am rapidly falling totally in love with. The people are fantastic and I am completely in awe of their talent - and grateful they let me warble along with them.

I've started using Facebook where people can see more regular updates from me, but nothing in depth like this.

Stuff coming up...

Big prayer request for venture please - were low on numbers of kids so we my be losing one - or both - weeks.

Music recs.

Arcade Fire - again! I now have a couple of their albums and am getting more time behind the wheel to sing along loudly.
Sarah Kelly - as mentioned above
The Shins - Chutes too Narrow - old album but one I only just got - Kissing the Lipless is a stand out track

I am being yelled at..........

by my lovely friend Cheryl Anne Hibbert Superstar Face - for not updating my blog and not mentioning her.

So here we are. Cheryl is my friend - but she is also a bit nuts. She like horses and she met Shakin' Stevens this week and got very excited about it. She went to Iceland recently (the country, not the shop) and sent me some lovely pistures of where she got to stand on the Mid Atlantic Ridge - so I am very jealous.

I don't have a picture of her here at work to put on, but I will find one. I have a picture fo her on my phone wrapped in an England flag at the Take That concert we went to together last summer. It was a fun day, we sang a lot and got yelled at by some girls as we were dancing to the Sugababes and apparently that is a bit uncool.....but we're old so what do we care?

Is that alright Cherelle?

Oh the picture is of a mountain in Tignes where I was skiing recently. We had stupid amounts of snow and I took that piccie in one of the few huors we had of clear skies. We can't win - either too much snow or not enough!

MIRRORS & SMOKE VALENTINE'S DAY FAN VIDEO

Let it Snow....



I had the day off work yesterday cos of the foot of snow we had here. So for once on a day off I didn't just sit on my bee-hind - I wandered over Hughenden Park and took some piccies of the snow. I am quite proud of a few of them!

It does always amaze me that everyone complains about snow. I know..I know the world stops and people can'go to work and have to spend the day playing with their children - it's a hardship!

I saw the incomprable Ray LaMontagne in concert this week. Awesome!!! I went with the ever-lovely Freya who got very excited, girly and embarrasing, when she spotted half the cast from the Green Wing at the bar. I don't watch it so I acted all cool while she jumped around and pointed like a school girl (soz Freya but you did!)

2007.....here goes!

Bonjour to you and you.
2007 started off on a bit of a flat note - being ill in bed with a chest infection - lovely! I hope everyone else's New Year Eve celebrations were more successful.:)

I have just got back from Chamonix, France, ski trip numero uno of 2007 with the Warnock Home Group plus various relatives and hangers on - we could have benefitted from more snow to provide better choice on the slopes, but given the inclement weather we did pretty well. I only totally stacked it once on a Red in less 5m visibility.....however it was falling off the button twice in a row at the same point that dented my ego!

Christmas was spent in Bath with my sister Natalie, her husband Matt and my nephew and niece, Samuel and Sophie. Manic as expected but very nice, cosy and relaxing. I have a new dressing gown that goes all the way to the floor!

Andi and I saw delirious? again at their Christmas Gig in Shepherd's Bush. I took Mum to see We Will Rock You for her 60th (sorry Mum!) I really enjoyed both shows - though We Will Rock You, certainly has to be taken for what it is!

Plans for 2007 then....another ski trip to Tignes at the end of February....Two Ventures in July....a weekend away with some girlies in March - not decided where yet though...Ray LaMontagne concert coming up sooooooon!

Music recs:
Verve Remixed - CD2 (awesome , if unexpected mixes of classic jazz numbers)
Arcade Fire - Funeral (Indescribably good!)
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
The Elizabethtown Soundtrack,/strong.

Baby Girl Gooding arrives!

Congratulations to Mark and Em on the arrival of Joanna Ceri on Sunday 3rd December 2006.

I can't say too much more cos I am a big girl and may cry!





And more congratulations to Hannah and Gareth on the arrival of Baby Boy Morgan Burford - who arrived on the 4th!

Delirious? 1st November 2006 - Hexagon, Reading

Alli and Craig's Wedding - and associated ramblings

4th November 2006 - Alli and Craig tied the knot in the beautiful Lake District. Words can't really describe how much fun it was - and how honoured I was to take part. The speeches were cracking, the food was lovely, the overcast sky lent a very wild and romantic feel to the day - Steve and Jools benefitting strongly there....

Photos can be seen here Definitely a couple of duff ones of the bridesmaids - can't remember most of them being taken mind! No....not because of that....we were having our piccies taken for over 2 hours!


Other stuff
I spent the weekend Bristol for Venture 2006 Reunion. Thanks again to Rhys and the residents from Woody's who put up with us all roaming about their home. Sat through Andi's Uganda Photos (only Bex fell asleep - nice shirt A!)...talked a lot about poo and the best way to wee in the middle of a field....Dan and Annie made a film about MS....Isaac got to ride in the lift at the City Museum...and Rowan snogged a camel....Bring on 2007 and the Superheroes and Wild Wild West Theme!!!

Saw Delirious? play at Reading - really impressed with them live, been so long since I have seen them and they were very accomplished. I have seen the Happy Song live now and can finally die happy. Poor old Issy had to spend most of the evening on Mart's shoulders but that's to be expected. We got some fine Freestyle Walking in after in the bowels of the Hexagon so that made up for it. The support Reuben Morgan was good too.

Music update (as you must have come to expect by now):
The Feeling - Twelve Stops and Home - I've loved every single and the rest of the album is no let down
Razorlight - Razorlight - finally got around to treating myself to the glorious second album - America will be an all time classic

Alli's Hen night

The lovely Alli is marrying the lovely Craig on the 4th November (I may have mentioned I'm a bridesmaid once or twice to most of my readership!!!)

We hit the crazeee streets of - er - Cheddar, Somerset last weekend. We tied balloons to the hen, dressed her up in red feathers and went to the famous Cheddar Cheese Tour - annoying some people who had waited ages as we pre-booked and jumped the queue! We met a rather odd man called Andy who cheddars the cheese (something to do with it being chopped up and turned a lot.)

Then, a bit more like the average hen night, back in Bristol we drank some LegBender cider, went out for a meal, visited an old hang out - the Corrie Tap - as appauled by how young the Freshers are and then tore up the dance floor at another old haunt -La Rocca. Hasn't changed a bit.

Will add some piccies shortly to embarrass Alli further!

More music recs:
Ray LaMontagne - Til the Sun Turns Black - 2 albums in one year - God bless this man
Jars of Clay - ok ok, broken record but Good Monsters is AWESOME - Oh My God is outstanding track so far, and Light Gives Heat - which gives me the shivers
Bought Delirious?' Mission Bell as I'm off to see them - sounds good so far....I'd been disappointed with their stuff for a while, but this seems to be better....
Going a bit retro with The Dandy Warhols, Turin Brakes
New Damien Rice album sooooooon.....

More regular updates.....ooh how exciting!?!?

I am going to try to update more regularly or the whole thing is pointless!

Firstly - I want to thank God for answering prayer and finding us venues for Venture 2007. We have lost Wimborne because of renovations at the school. Today we were given 2 names of sites that could work. Please continue to pray that these sites meet the needs of CPAS and can offer homes to ventures.

Then a bit of a gripe - but only with work - I am starting to look for a new job - my current position just isn't working out the way I'd like it and was sold it(!) and I am feeling disatisfied and pretty much abused by the company. It is a shame as I loved this job for so long but I am blessed to have the opportunity to really look at a lot of options.

I had my bridesmaid dress fitting for Alli and Craig's wedding - apparently the shop that sold me the dress "overestimated my width" - chuckles all around at that one.

Got tickets for Delirious? next month - haven't seen them for yeeeeeeeeears and have had to quickly order the album for the tour.

Speaking of music - latest artists featuring heavily on my MP3:
Ray LaMontagne - Trouble - the whole album is awesome
Jars of Clay (shocker) - Good Monster
Quite liking The Feeling but haven't invested in the album yet
Six Feet Under soundtracks
For a bit of Pop - the Orson album is good - Bright Idea
Disappointed in the new Nelly Furtado - I loved her early stuff - not a big RnB fan
Ray LaMontagne - oooh yeah, I said that one - don't care - it bears repeating!

'Ere Snowy - I can see the pub from 'ere!

Aaaaaand relax! I've been on a marathon run of actually having a life and am exhausted as a result. So a brief summary of Summer 2006!

Wimborne 3 Explorer Venture 2006 went brilliantly - the Laughing Lions were the pride of the pack, Eggs were flung, cream pies were smooshed and knights in shining armour delighted us all. Team reunion is only a few weeks away - yipeeee!


Greenbelt was equally fantastic - Andi and I cut up the dance floor, drank some dodgy organic cider and spent vast quantities of time (and cash) at the Circus Skills stall. There were some magicians he got excited about and I got to eat crepes and buy handbags! I even managed to fit in some Freestyle Walking with Isaac W!

Jim and Emily got hitched - thanks for inviting me to share your wonderful day! More cutting up of the dance floor - but literally this time given the heel on my boots!

Clare and Heather's Corfu Adventure was more of a lesson in relaxation - which by early September was the only option left. I burned my tummy, but at least this time you couldn't tell which way I had knotted my bikini top like one unfortunate year in the Canaries. No Jeep Safari this year (booooo) but we sailed to Albania and ate lots of seafood! I got through a ton of books but I started dreaming Fiendish Su Doku in the end so had to give that up! Very sedate!

Wateraid's Corbett Challenge was completed, overcome, endured - take your pick! Along with some other daring friends from work, I scaled the great heights of Foel Goch in Snowdonia to raise money for Wateraid. We made it up and down without dying (more of an achievement than you'd think given the average fitness level of the team) and I have attached a photo of the all conquering Colne team. You can sponser me in retrospect here

I am also massively proud of my Aunt Carole who was ordained to be a Deacon this weekend. The service in Christ Church, Oxford was very moving and I was honoured to be a part of it.

So - there goes Summer 2006 - here comes the winter! Started planning some ski trips for the new year - anyone got any ideas of what to actually do for New Year itself - I've been sick and in bed 3 out of the last 4 so I am up for some shenanigans! I'm bridesmaid for the wonderful Alli and Craig in November - I am perhaps getting a little too girly and excited about that - shoes, neckalces, underwear all being bought in vast quantities - it is amazing how much thought has to go into those things!! Still looking for an escort to the wedding if there are any volunteers???? ;) Three days in the Lake District and I'm driving!

It's been a while....

But only a quick post today - the deep and meaningful bit first - it is two years since my dad died today. The sky still hasn't fallen in on my head so wondering when that's going to happen.

And the non-deep bit:
Stuff I am listening to and feel the need to share

Jeff Buckley - Grace in particular Last Goodbye
Jars of Clay - Furthermore from the stage and from the studio
Sandi Thom
Thievery Corporation - Indra & Lebanese Blond
The Postal Service - Give Up

OK just rubbing it in now.....

This time the skiing was in France, La Plagne and Les Arc to be precise. I cannot recommend staying in a catered chalet enough, cooked breakfast, afternoon tea and three course meals with as much free (french) wine as you could drink! Couple of pictures here, one of my lovely skis, one of the lovely Freya assuming her default position and one of the ski team! I only fell off the side of a mountain once - I can't really describe it, Claire probably could but I fear she was laughing too much to take notes.

That is it though, no more holiday for me ever! Well until August when I take 50 odd kids to Dorset for a week......maybe that's not a holiday either.

January 2006 - Just returned from a brilliant ski trip to Val Gardena, Italy. The views were fantastic as was the company, people from home group and various others! I managed to only fall over 2 and a half times which is an indication I have improved a bit. Saying that, it could only ever get better from the mess I was last year on the ice fields of Serre Chevalier! I partook of a little Apres Ski, watched the world go by from a few piste-side cafes, ate some goulash-soup, learned a new game that involved dice but I was so tired I am not really sure what it was about, found a tunnel in a square with no "official" exit and made some new friends!